A certain 7 year old big sister is definitely missing her little brother. It always amazes me to hear what my girls hide in their hearts.





This morning...


"Mom...if Maegan makes it to be a teenager, we will have so much fun together."

"IF? What do you mean Macy?" (said the mother who was afraid that she already knew the answer)

"You know, if she doesn't die like Mark did."







This evening...



"Mom, I think that Heaven is going to be so beautiful!"

"Yes Macy...it is going to be wonderful. Especially because Mark will meet us when we get there".

"Meet us? Do you know that for SURE Mom?"

"No, I guess that I don't know for sure...but that is what I pray for."

"Me too Mom. When I see Mark my heart is going to burst into a million pieces!"


Mine too Macy...mine too.

We missed you today.

We missed you yesterday.

Tomorrow, somehow, we will miss you even more.

Happy Valentines Day to you son...You have my heart.

Still here

Where to begin? I am still here. Trying to stay as busy as I possibly can...and these days, that isn't difficult. Working full time and trying to keep the house running smoothly allows me little time to wallow in my self-pity.

My mother passed away on July 16. She had been fighting breast cancer since 1997 and her death came more quickly than any of us expected. I cling to the hope that the second that she took her last breath here, that she was gazing into the face of her Lord and embracing Mark with joy unimaginable. Oh, the thought. How I wish I was there.

Her passing leaves holes in my heart much different than Mark's death did. I miss her dearly, but it is all so very different. In so many ways, I am able to cope in ways that I wouldn't have been able to had I not lost Mark. For that, I am thankful. Even if it is all that I can be thankful for. It is difficult to find anything to be thankful for from such losses.

Our baby girl...not such a baby anymore, has turned 2 years old. What a difficult birthday for me. Such a celebration that she has blessed our lives so tremendously in the time that she has been here. So bittersweet that we celebrated Mark's second birthday and then a month later...he was gone. Oh, how we all love her. How we all dote on her. How I wish Mark were here to be her big brother.

Our other girls are doing well. Maryanna is in the 6th grade...braces and all. I am so jealous of her beautiful teeth! I think that I will get braces next. :)
Madison, future Kindergarten teacher, is in 4th grade and Macy, our child who will climb on anything that stands still long enough, is in 1st grade. One of these days I will post pictures of them all. That is, as soon as I can get a good picture.

You may have noticed that I mostly blog when my days have been rough. I do have good days...I really do. There is laughter in the house and there is joy in my heart so much of the time. But, it really does exist along with the sorrow. The deepest kind of sorrow and pain. So, bear with me if I only account for my grief. It is why I started the blog...to help me through it all. Maybe I will come to share some of the happy memories. There were so many, but I hate it that they are memories.

The years since Mark has been gone have blurred together. How have 3 years come and gone? It really does seem like he was just here yesterday. Everything is defined as either, "before Mark died" or "after Mark died". That is our timeline and that is our reality. Life changed...never...ever...the same.

Happy Birthday son

Dear Mark,

Happy Birthday sweetie pie! I don't seem to know what to say today...it still all seems so unreal that you aren't here with us. We are having a hard time focusing on the 2 short but wonderful years that you were here because your absence is overwhelming.

Your Nana will be there soon. She has fought and fought and it is finally time for her to go home. We aren't ready to let go of her either, but she has suffered enough. Call her name, run to her and wrap your arms around her when she gets there...

Until we get there...

Love you with all of my heart,

Mommy