I wonder...

Mark's birthday is coming up and I have been more than a little preoccupied thinking about it. Less than a month away...our little man would have been 3.



I wonder what kind of birthday party we would have had for him...I wonder what kind of toys we would have bought him. I keep seeing the cutest shoes and clothes that would have looked so handsome on him. He was so young while we had him here, but there were so many things that we had already "planned" on him doing as he grew. So many things that we noticed on other boys or in the store that we mentally pictured Mark doing those things or looking that way. I think about what he would be learning about Jesus in Sunday School and at home and all of the little projects of his that I don't have on my refrigerator. I keep reminding myself that he knows more about God that we do now and I find that comforting.



I wonder how much he would be talking these days...I loved the way he said "Momma", especially when we wanted him to say "Daddy". It was a big game to him and it was so funny. He was trying so hard to say his sisters' names and we knew what he was saying...even though it didn't sound much like their actual names. One of his favorite words was "cheese" because he absolutely LOVED the sliced, American cheese. He would eat three in a row if we let him. And, sometimes we did because he enjoyed it so much! But, for the most part, he didn't talk much because he had three older sisters that spoke for him...he just had to point and he got what he wanted. Oh, how we spoiled him.


He would probably be in a big boy bed now...in his tractor room. His Daddy chose the tractor border for his room before he was born and it is so cute. We also painted the room blue...there was no doubt that we wanted that color after so many "girly" rooms.



I wonder how much fun he would be having this week at VBS at church. I see all of his little friends playing and laughing and I picture him there with them...running in the grass, eating snacks, playing on the playground.



How have I changed for the better? How has anyone who knows us changed? I want to know that God is working through our loss...in us, in our family and friends...even in people who may not know us well.

Most days, I don't feel like any good has come from this awful accident. The world didn't change, we don't have our son with us anymore and it just stinks! I suppose that more time needs to pass to discover some of God's plan for all of this.



I am trying hard to focus on the girls and how much joy they bring to our lives. Every day is a blessing with them and they are a constant reminder of how good life can be. It has never been a struggle to feel thankful to God for all of the goodness that He brings to my life until now. Now, I know that the blessings and goodness are no less real or "good" than they were before...they just have to compete for a place in my heart amidst the pain these days.

I long for Heaven and it seems so far away...but, then again, we just never know.