If only...

Dear Mark,

If only I could catch a glimpse of you in Heaven right now and see how happy you are...playing with other children, walking with Jesus, smiling and laughing even more sweetly than you did here - maybe I wouldn't be so filled with grief.

If only I could wrap my arms around you and kiss your chubby little cheek again...if only I could walk with you and hold your precious hand in mine -then I might not cry every day.

If only I could hear you say "Mama" again when you needed me and rock you to sleep while you snuggled your green blanket - maybe my heart wouldn't feel so broken.

If only you could be here to hold your new baby sister...to be a little brother and a big brother to all of these girls - then I wouldn't have to try to explain to them why you were taken from us and assure them that we will be okay even when I don't believe it.

If only you were here to run to the yard gate and hold it open for us like a little gentleman each time we came home - I wouldn't stop each time I walked through it and picture you standing there with that big grin on your face.

If only I could see you in your daddy's arms again...where you almost always were - then I wouldn't have to see your daddy cry when he looks at your picture or thinks about how much he misses you.

If only you were here to color on the walls and the couch with any crayon or pen that you could find...to throw things away in the trash can that shouldn't have been thrown away (i.e. remote controls and rented movies!) - I wouldn't even be upset. I now cherish the picture that you drew on Maryanna's door with a bright red marker and I hope it stays there forever.

If only you were here, I would be thinking of all of the great little boy toys that I could buy you for Christmas this year instead of welling up with sorrow each time I see toys or clothes that would be just perfect for you.

If only you could just be here for the holidays to celebrate with us...to eat turkey and mashed potatos and all of the pie that you wanted - I wouldn't have to stare at the empty place where you should be and quietly grieve in my heart while everyone else is smiling.

If only God would have allowed you to stay here with us longer than two years - we could have seen you grow into a fine young man, go to college, get married, have children of your own and enjoy your company for many years to come until Daddy and I left the earth BEFORE you...the way that it should be.

I know that none of this will be...but it helps me to imagine it. I know that this world holds nothing for you anymore. I pray that Heaven is everything that I imagine it to be and that your sweet soul is more alive now that it ever was here with us...I want to picture you there instead of your tiny body lying in the grave. It is such torture for me to be separated from your cuddly self.

Our hearts break each day that we live here without you...we are still reminded of you in everything that we do. Fifteen months has been too long to not have you in our arms or hear your voice. It isn't any easier now than it was when you left. I long for this life to pass in the blink of an eye so that we can all be together again forever.

I love you, love you, love you...my sweet baby boy.

Love,
Mommy