There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Three years ago

Here are some pictures of March...3 years ago.
Memories are so fresh in my mind that it feels like it was all just yesterday.
Feeling his soft skin and hair...looking into those big, beautiful brown eyes...
having his chubby little fingers wrapped around mine...holding him.
I can close my eyes and feel it all so vividly. If I just concentrate, I know that I
can bring him back to me...he can't really be gone.
At the same time, if it weren't for pictures...I would swear that none of it seems so long ago.
It is impossible to explain and even harder for me to sort it all out in my mind.
There are times that I know I must be losing all sense of reality. I feel that I am
living in a dream world of what really is, what was and everything
that I long for in eternity.
For now, I have these pictures of my baby boy...
when he WAS here...
in March...
three years ago.

Monday, March 29, 2010

I miss...(part 3)

I miss cleaning milk splatter off of the walls from him shaking his sippy cup too hard.

I miss calling him "buddy", "bud", "Marco Polo" and "Mark the Shark".

I miss hearing other people call him those names.

I miss hearing his sister Madison call him "Marky-Poo".

I miss feeling like I was a good parent.

I miss watching him run around in his pajama shorts with no shirt on and loving how easy it was to dress little boys.

I miss how he would practically lay on our cat to hug it and how the cat would so patiently wait until the "hug" was over.

I also miss how he would pull the cat's tail when he didn't think that we were watching...and still, the cat was ever so patient.

I miss sitting him on the kitchen counter to give him his medicine. He never argued.

I miss how he would run into the living room when he heard the Backyardigan's theme song on TV and how he would throw his arms up in the air and spin in circles...just like they did.

I miss watching him play on the church playground with his friends.

I miss watching him play on our playground with his sisters.

I miss washing him off with the garden hose when he was so muddy that he couldn't come inside.

I miss seeing his little black "crocks" in the shoe basket by the back door.

I miss playing peek a boo with him.

I miss the spots of eczema that he had on his ankles and the back of his knees that I had to doctor everyday.

I miss being able to think about swimming without feeling my chest tighten or being able to look at any swimming pool, lake, pond, puddle or bathtub full of water without imagining how he must have struggled in the water when he drowned.

I miss how he would walk through the church and throw open his arms and run to give people a hug.

I miss seeing him in all of our family pictures.

I miss feeling that life was so good.

I miss how he would smile and talk with his pacifier still in his mouth while trying to keep it from falling out.

I miss playing chase around the house while he squealed and laughed.

I miss giving him big, loud "raspberries" on his tummy.

I miss seeing him and being amazed at how much he looked like my brother.

I miss the part of me that died when he died.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

I miss...(part 2)

I miss pushing him in his little green umbrella stroller.

I miss seeing him snuggled in his new camoflauge sleeping bag.

I miss the way his sisters would make a mohawk on his head with shampoo at bathtime.

I miss helping him put on his brown, leather sandals.

I miss carrying him from the tub to his room all wrapped up in his lime green bath towel and how he would throw open his arms and unwrap himself and laugh and laugh.

I miss kissing him under his chin and making him cackle because he was so ticklish.

I miss "flying" him on my feet.

I miss buying size 5 diapers and looking at the cute little boy underwear and being excited about him wearing them soon.

I miss him helping me water my plants and water the garden.

I miss coming to pick him up from the nursery at church.

I miss pulling the high chair close to the table at supper time so that he could eat close to us.

I miss cleaning his messy face after he ate spaghetti.

I miss how he would run to greet me with his arms wide open whenever I came to pick him up from the nursery, Nana's or Grandma's.

I miss seeing him in his Daddy's loving arms.

I miss how he would put his hands on my cheeks and turn my head toward his face so that he could "tell" me something.

I miss how he would knock down anything that his sisters tried to build.

I miss going into his room at night and just watching him sleep.

I miss watching him ride around on his sister's pink Power Wheels motorcycle.

I miss his dancing.

I miss the weight of him in my arms.

I miss his love.

I miss being truly happy.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I miss...

I miss his smile.

I miss how he would wrinkle up his nose and curl up his top lip just to make us laugh.

I miss combing his hair.

I miss rocking him to sleep and singing "You are my Sunshine".

I miss finding his "artwork" on our walls and couches when he found a marker or pen.

I miss how he would say "MAMA" when his sisters were trying to get him to say "DADDY".

I miss him grabbing my hand and pulling me to the refrigerator for a slice of his favorite cheese.

I miss buying little boy clothes.

I miss finding him sitting on the kitchen table and just waiting for me to fuss at him.

I miss how he followed Macy around and did everything that she did.

I miss stepping on little trucks and cars...anything that had wheels that he drove around the house.

I miss how he would take his pacifier out and smile for a picture and then put the paci right back in.

I miss his sweet smell after his bath.

I miss his dirty smell after he had played outside.

I miss looking in the rearview mirror of my van and seeing his sweet face smiling back at me.

I miss him fussing when I turned on the vacuum and his "wrinkled" nose of disapproval each time.

I miss his beautiful brown eyes.

I miss my buddy.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Loving Laynee

Meet Laynee...

a precious 2 1/2 year old who went to live with Jesus...
long before anyone wanted her to.
to read about the tremendous love and life of this sweet
little girl and take time to pray for this heartbroken family
that misses her with every breath that they take.

Friday, March 5, 2010


"And regarding the question, friends, that has come up about what happens to those already dead and buried, we don't want you in the dark any longer. First off, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14. (The Message)

Praying for it to be today.

Posted by Picasa