I am here, but I don't have much to say these days. The normal business of life with all of the girls home for the summer and my husband who is a teacher all keeps my mind and soul occupied in such a manner that it fills some of the void, albeit temporarily.
There is so much that goes through my mind each minute, each second of the day. The emptiness that I feel inside and the pain that has become my closest friend...hasn't gone away. In some ways, it has just changed in little ways, but still manages to take my breath away each and every day. Like a punch in the gut and a slap in the face over and over and over.
Mostly, I have started to feel that no matter how I try to describe the nightmare that I am living, it might just be that nobody will ever really "get" it. And, make no mistake...I don't want anyone to actually experience the loss of a child. But, the more time that passes, the more I realize that people in general just expect us (those who have suffered such a terrible loss), to just move on...to drop the sorrow and the pain and leave the mourning behind.
If that were possible, I might need another 20 years or so to work through this grief. The fact that I trust God with my pain...that I know He has a plan for our family...that Mark is in heaven in perfect peace and joy and that somehow, his death was all for the best in God's plan is necessary to get me through each day, but it doesn't take an ounce of the pain away. For now, I will tell anyone who really wants to know "How are you?". Otherwise, I will smile and carry on as usual since it is what makes everyone else more comfortable.
1 week ago