Here it is again...Mark's birthday. And, despite my toddler-like objections, these ever painful reminders of our son's absence still come. His birthday, the day of the accident, the day of his death, every holiday...well, you get the picture. And, although it has taken me all almost 4 years, I am starting to realize that it is just another day without him. I miss him from the moment I wake up until I lie down at night...no matter what the day. Now, having said that, I still admit that I would have liked to wake him up with a birthday tickle and made him some waffles for breakfast, which I am sure that he would have loved! Then, we could have opened some big boy presents like Hot Wheels or Legos wrapped in Spiderman wrapping paper and celebrated tonight with a cake decorated in tractors or racecars or random sports equipment. Just to hear his voice...I dream of it. Missing these things doesn't make my heart hurt any more than it already does, but it does make tonight's bedtime a little more welcome.
Now, have you seen the movie Tangled??? Somehow, even though it has been out for quite a while and all of my girls have seen it...I just watched it for the first time two days ago. To most, just a typical animated love story...but for me...so much more. The pain in the king's eyes as he gets ready to release lanterns on the birthday of his missing daughter...well, I have never seen so much anguish in the face of a cartoon character. It was so real...and I felt it all. And admittedly, felt a little stupid for identifying with animation.
At the end of the movie, Rapunzel is holding her true love in her arms as he finally dies from a stab wound. Her magical tears begin to fall and they miraculously bring him back to life. In that moment, I longed to be there. I pictured myself holding my son's lifeless body and wished that there had been a way for my tears to bring him back to me. So silly, but yet, so real to me.
Rapunzel arrives at the palace to reunite with her parents after so many years...the joy was overwhelming as they embraced each other. Anyone watching the movie would feel the happiness that such a situation would bring. For me, I could initially only feel jealousy that it wasn't me and Mark. Then, I felt a peace within as I remembered that it will be...one day...it will be. Until then, my heart will just remained "tangled".
Happy 6th birthday son. It's bedtime.
1 week ago