There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

My links to "normal"

Here I am, relieved to have gotten through the anniversary of Mark's death. It definitely isn't any easier a year later, just different. There is no "moving on" or "getting through" all of the pain...only missing Mark. Time will forever be frozen for us even though the rest of the world marches on and we too have to live out the rest of our lives here. But, oh, the promise of heaven. When I can focus on the reality of spending eternity with our Savior and with Mark, peace washes over my soul.

Every part of me has suffered for a year and my spiritual being is no exception. It is glaringly obvious to me now where I need to grow in and re-believe so many truths that I never would have doubted until now. Hard to admit and even harder to know where to begin when you feel like you are starting all over.

What I do know is that I treasure the following verses:

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

"You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve.

Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

John 6:66-69

And so, that is where I am. Who else can I turn to but to God? Who else can give me the promise of eternal life and the assurance that my Mark is more alive than he ever was here with us? Only God. Only through the blood of Jesus Christ.

No matter how badly I feel on any given day, I choose to believe all that the Bible says. I don't understand it all, but I don't think that God expects us to.

I want to leave you with a list of many links to the blog sites that have helped me so much this past year. Most of these blogs are written by parents who have lost a child. They have been a lifeline to my sanity in more ways than one. Grief is a lonely place...especially when you can't personally talk to someone who has been almost in the same place as you are.

Through these blogs, I can feel a bit more "normal"...whatever that is...even if it is just for a short time. I see that I am not the only one who is suffering through the loss of a child. In everyday life, I feel pretty isolated in my sadness; that nobody understands what it is really like to be in my shoes. And I suppose most people don't, and that really is a good thing. But, reading the thoughts and feelings of someone who has or is in a similar situation brings comfort.

That being said, I also want to say that I cherish each and every one that I do know who takes the time to listen, even when it makes them uncomfortable and they have no idea what to say. It means so much to know that people care and they are hurting with us as much as someone can who hasn't been through it.

So, if you have time, check out these blogs and pray for these parents as well as for us.

Looking up in the downpour-
Tidbits of a journey... -
Todd Stocker's Weblog -
Sumi's Corner -
Larger than Life -
Nitty. Gritty. -
Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground -
My Charming Kids -

Missing my son,

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Back from vacation

As the month of August begins, I find myself wishing that I could go to bed and not wake up until September. August 4th will be one year since Mark's accident and the 10th will be one year since his death. Both of those days and the week in between were the end of life as we knew it. Getting through his birthday was especially difficult, but no matter how sad it was...night still came and then it was over. A fellow blogger who recently lost his teenage daughter puts it best when he says that his daughter is now a part of his past and his future, even if she isn't a part of his present. I like to think about that and the truth in it. Mark isn't a part of our "present" and there isn't anything that we can do about that. However, he is a part of our future and that is certain.

We have been gone for the last couple of weeks on vacation. New York City, Niagara Falls and some other fun places. The girls had a lot of fun...although they didn't like all of the walking that we did. I guess that I didn't either. Of course, we saw so many little boys that reminded me of Mark and that is always hard for me. I feel safest in my house, away from the world, but most of the time, that is not realistic. It still seems so unfair that he isn't with us anymore. I know that it is my fleshly nature speaking and not the spiritual. I trust my God and that He has everything in control, but it doesn't erase the pain.

I'm not sure how or why we planned this year's vacation at the same time that we were on vacation last year with our girls and our precious Mark, but nevertheless, I had a hard time not thinking about all that we were doing at this time last July. The fact that we were absolutely oblivious to the fact that we were going to lose Mark in just two short weeks just blows my mind. We were seeing the Grand Canyon, the Hoover Dam and all of the desert in between. That is what is so crazy about just never know what is going to happen tomorrow.

We had so much fun with Mark last was filled with memories and I am glad for that. Although, the sweet memories make me miss him even more. Each picture makes my arms ache for him even more.

I have heard the saying many times that circumstances such as these will either make you bitter or better. Oh, how I want to be better. I wish that I could be better...a better person, a better Christian. Maybe that will come in time. Right now, I am still bitter. It takes no effort to be sad and wallow in self-pity, however, it does take an enormous amount of energy to pull yourself out of depression and the negative thoughts.
I most likely try to do too much of it on my own rather than giving it over to God. And, even though I have let many things go and given them to God over the past year, I have decided that it must be more of a slow process than an "all at once" kind of thing. Two steps forward and one back.

I'm not sure how to let it all go and move forward. Time is still frozen for us as the world keeps spinning and we have to get up and function every day. Each day is like living on the edge of going insane, and yet, there are still so many happy times that I am thankful for. If only I could make sense of it all.

Stick with me as I continue to is happening slowly, but I am confident that as much as one can heal from such a loss, I will. We will...someday.