Missing Mark: November 2010

Today, our baby Maegan is one year old...so hard to believe. I think that she grew up overnight. She had a wonderful day at Mother's Day Out with her friends, helped us vote and then she took us to dinner at Chili's. What one year old doesn't like sweet corn and mashed potatoes from Chili's???

Three years ago, I was completely at peace with our decision to not have any more children. The four that God so richly blessed us with absolutely filled our lives with happiness and joy. We would often catch ourselves just basking, if you will, in their innocence and love. I can even remember telling Joe that I wish that we could just freeze them all at that moment so that the goodness would last forever. Then, Mark died.

We have learned that God is, indeed, sovereign. He will do what He must for the good of those He loves. For me. For Mark. For my other children. I don't understand how Mark's death was good, but I trust. There isn't any part of me that is really at peace with it and there isn't a minute that goes by that I don't long to hold him again. However, everything in me is going to continue to trust in the God that gave me my children in the first place. The God that has Mark in His arms while I wait to get there. Even when I don't feel like it. It has continued to be a choice that I make while I grope through the darkness of grief...based only on faith and not my feelings.

While I don't consider any part of Mark's death to be good, I have to consider that if he had not died, we wouldn't have Maegan. I would give anything to be able to go back in time and have life the way it was...with Mark. At the same time, if it meant not having Maegan, I couldn't make that choice. I'm glad that I don't have the option one way or the other. God is God and I am not.

I praise God that we changed our mind about having more children and that God chose to bless us with another child despite our feelings of inadequacy and imperfection that come from not being able to protect our son from death. Maegan fills my broken heart with joy and she reminds me how much I loved Mark. Even as I struggle with the guilt of how we lost our precious child, I know that with each cuddle, each tickle, each lullaby and each kiss that we give Maegan...I can remember how we did all of those things with Mark...and with all of our children, as we still do. I remember that we loved him well and that we couldn't have loved him any more than we already did.

And, certainly, I cannot forget our three oldest girls...daughters that continue to hold strong in their own storm of sadness over losing their brother. Daughters that are patient as their parents, especially their mother, try to find joy and purpose each day...daughters that are loved beyond measure. More than they know. Here are the most recent pictures...Halloween, of course! The girls and I were trying to decide what costume Mark would have worn this year.

The little things can hurt so much.

I wasn't crazy about her costume...but it was a battle that I chose not to pick. :)

Maryanna