There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Back from vacation

As the month of August begins, I find myself wishing that I could go to bed and not wake up until September. August 4th will be one year since Mark's accident and the 10th will be one year since his death. Both of those days and the week in between were the end of life as we knew it. Getting through his birthday was especially difficult, but no matter how sad it was...night still came and then it was over. A fellow blogger who recently lost his teenage daughter puts it best when he says that his daughter is now a part of his past and his future, even if she isn't a part of his present. I like to think about that and the truth in it. Mark isn't a part of our "present" and there isn't anything that we can do about that. However, he is a part of our future and that is certain.

We have been gone for the last couple of weeks on vacation. New York City, Niagara Falls and some other fun places. The girls had a lot of fun...although they didn't like all of the walking that we did. I guess that I didn't either. Of course, we saw so many little boys that reminded me of Mark and that is always hard for me. I feel safest in my house, away from the world, but most of the time, that is not realistic. It still seems so unfair that he isn't with us anymore. I know that it is my fleshly nature speaking and not the spiritual. I trust my God and that He has everything in control, but it doesn't erase the pain.

I'm not sure how or why we planned this year's vacation at the same time that we were on vacation last year with our girls and our precious Mark, but nevertheless, I had a hard time not thinking about all that we were doing at this time last July. The fact that we were absolutely oblivious to the fact that we were going to lose Mark in just two short weeks just blows my mind. We were seeing the Grand Canyon, the Hoover Dam and all of the desert in between. That is what is so crazy about just never know what is going to happen tomorrow.

We had so much fun with Mark last was filled with memories and I am glad for that. Although, the sweet memories make me miss him even more. Each picture makes my arms ache for him even more.

I have heard the saying many times that circumstances such as these will either make you bitter or better. Oh, how I want to be better. I wish that I could be better...a better person, a better Christian. Maybe that will come in time. Right now, I am still bitter. It takes no effort to be sad and wallow in self-pity, however, it does take an enormous amount of energy to pull yourself out of depression and the negative thoughts.
I most likely try to do too much of it on my own rather than giving it over to God. And, even though I have let many things go and given them to God over the past year, I have decided that it must be more of a slow process than an "all at once" kind of thing. Two steps forward and one back.

I'm not sure how to let it all go and move forward. Time is still frozen for us as the world keeps spinning and we have to get up and function every day. Each day is like living on the edge of going insane, and yet, there are still so many happy times that I am thankful for. If only I could make sense of it all.

Stick with me as I continue to is happening slowly, but I am confident that as much as one can heal from such a loss, I will. We will...someday.


  1. Yes Angie - you will (heal that is). There isn't any way at all to hide from the pain - and if there was, it'd find you again anyway. You have to walk this bitter and painful path. The wonderful thing about this path though is that it leads to a place that is pleasant and peaceful as long as you are heading towards the one who can and will heal you - our Lord.

    I love what you said about the man who lost his teenager. It is true, our children who die are a part of our past and our future...just not our present. There is certainly comfort in that isn't there. Our children ARE a part of our eternity with them! GLORY!!!! JOY!!! HALLELUJAH!!! I can't wait to hear and touch my sweet Anna again. I've been watching video of her lately and while there isn't an unconsolable pain (praise God!) they did remind me just how much I miss her precious little ways. I just get goosebumps at the thought of touching her again - of listening to her cute little voice...

    Thinking of you Angie.

  2. And I just want you to know that I clicked on the picture of Mark and just stared at him. He is beautiful. I cried for you friend. My heart hurts with you.

  3. Oh Angie...I pray that God will give you special grace and peace in the next few days as you face the anniversary of Mark's 'heaven day.'

    I pray that however you choose to spend the day, that you will find Jesus' comforting presence right beside you.

    HUGS! I know how hard these days can be.

  4. Angie,

    Our situations aren't exactly the same but I understand the pain that you can't possibly explain well enough. You are on my heart and in my prayers.

    Take care,

  5. Praying for you this day... and especially this week.

  6. I remember this day so well last heart is heavy with pain for you. I pray that God be your everlasting strength in the coming days. I found myself even putting off doing anything for Aleah's b-day because it was like if I didn't plan anything it would keep this time of the year pushed away. But time doesn't keeps on going weather we want it to or not. I sit here crying wishing that I could do anything in this world to take away the pain I know you face everyday. We love you guys sooo much and wish that we were closer. I pray that God's grace wash over and comfort you. Love you wendy

  7. We love you all, and will keep you especially close to our hearts and in our prayers.

  8. We love you guys and are praying for you today. Our hearts are heavy and grieving for your loss. Remember what you said..Mark is part of your future and one day you will rejoice again as you hold him in heaven. I pray that God heals the hurt, pain and anger. Even though the miles separte us we love you guys and miss you terribly. Hope to see you soon.

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  10. Hi Angie,
    I found your blog today somehow and read your story. I feel sad and am hurting for you, but I also see in you a lot of strength and trust in God, which is all you can rely on to get you through this.
    We have lost two daughters- Rachel 5 years ago and Amryn a year and a half ago. So much of what you say is exactly how I felt, and I didn't think that I was getting better, until I read your blog and realized that I have. A year ago I was where you are, although our stories are different, many of the feelings you express are the same. I especially understand the part about not wanting to be bitter! I can honestly say that the pain is still here, and deep sadness follows us everywhere, but the sad thoughts are not the first thing we think of in the morning and the last thing at night (most days!). I used to wonder if I could ever get through a day without feeling sad, and I can say that thankfully, because of God's goodness and grace this past year, I can! The bitterness is going away, and God's peace is taking over. There are still really hard days, but we are realizing that because of the deep pain we feel, we also experience joy more deeply.
    I pray that you will get to that point too- but take your time and let it happen in God's time. Be sad, be angry, feel those empty arms and miss Mark like crazy and hit the bottom of the pit so that you can start to rise up out of it! Don't ever feel guilty for what you are feeling- you WILL be a better person because of this. I'll pray that you have the strength needed to get through these difficult days. We have a season of birthdays and death anniversaries coming up too (September to January) and I know how hard it is.
    Thanks for the quote about our children being part of our past and future... it is a good response to people who say "It's been a year and a half- shouldn't you be over it by now?" (yes, there actually are people who say things like that!!) I will never "get over" losing our girls- but God is helping me live with their loss with the hopes of it all ending with a very joyful future in eternity!

  11. I am very sad to remember August 10, 2008, as I was checking out of the hospital from my back surgery knowing what was happening with Mark and the whole family. I kept Mark's picture by my recliner as the days went by as I was recovering. I felt so out of touch with everyone. My consolation was talking to Rosemary on the telephone. I felt like I was on the outside looking in and it wasn't really happening. I felt kinda crazy if you know what I mean.

    Praying for everyone was the job God gave to me. I will continue to pray for you and the rest of the family. Give the girls a hug for me. They are so beautiful and when they smile it is so heartwarming for me.

    You are my dear friend and I send you my love. Only God has control over our lives and I pray for a giant dose of faith that He will help us all through.