I am a lot of things...mother, wife, friend and daughter. Unfortunately, it seems that I am also my own worst enemy. As if it weren't enough that Mark died, life still comes with all of its disappointments and problems. For a time, nothing in the world seemed to matter after Mark was gone. Old problems certainly didn't mean anything to me and joy was nonexistent. I thought that I would live the rest of my life in this huge fog that seemed to distort everything that I looked at. Now, the fog is still here, but it isn't as dense. Everyday things are starting to have meaning again and I can see that life is worth living, even if some days I still feel like dying. But, along with the little joys that are creeping back into my life, the pains of "normalcy" are coming back too. It seems that in this in-between stage of grief, I function much like I used to and people are beginning to treat me as they did "before", but mentally, I still function as though Mark died yesterday. I still hurt as though Mark died yesterday.
Most recently, I let down a very close friend. Not intentionally, but severely nevertheless. I'm sure that it has happened on many occasions since the accident...where I have hurt someone without even knowing it and most definitely without meaning to. There has arisen an added selfishness to me that wasn't there before Mark died. Self-preservation maybe? It causes me to focus on how I am going to survive each day and keep my children emotionally healthy and not much else. Unfortunately, this doesn't leave much room to think about those around me and how my actions are affecting those that I love. And, I know that my sorrow is no excuse for being thoughtless...I'm not the only one in the world with problems. Truly, I am thankful for her forgiveness and patience and for the forgiveness that people have given me that I know nothing about.
Since the shock of Mark's death has worn off, I am beginning to feel the disappointment that I have in myself for all of the ways that I am lacking. I feel like a failure as a mother since I didn't protect my son from death...most days I am sure that I let my girls down miserably in so many ways...I have such wonderful friends and family that have been nothing but supportive and I will never be able to repay such kindness...and mostly, I just mess up one way or another all of the time. Sometimes I think that I am the only one who isn't perfect...the only one who seems to get it all wrong and who doesn't measure up to the standard that I have for myself.
In Christ, I am a new creature. I am forgiven and free. This I know, but I don't act like it. I long to see myself the way God sees me...the way He sees my heart and knows my every thought and intention, but it is so hard. I want to know how to let it all go...to give it to Him and forgive myself as I have already been forgiven. As I told the ladies in my Bible study this week, I feel like I have taken huge steps backwards in my spiritual walk. I am not at all proud of this, but I confess it so that I can do something about it. I am re-learning all that I know to be true...proving it to myself each day to be true.
I need God to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and broken heart and put them back together...put
me back together.
.JPG)
