That's just the way it is

It has been a bit difficult with the girls back in school...I sure do miss them. Just me and Maegan here. I do cherish the time with just her though, well, except when she is pushing every button on the computer keyboard and pulling the mouse off of the desk! :)


There have probably been other posts that I have written regarding how grief sneaks up on me every day...several times a day in fact. It happens still...often...without warning. One minute I can actually be having an "okay" day. Not really dwelling on Mark being gone, but just living my day and feeling a little smile creep across my face. And then, WHAM! Something. Anything. Everything seems to remind me of how Mark is gone. There are many, many times each day that something gets to me, but they are usually the same things every day. Seeing his pictures or his toys...talking about him with the girls and with Joe. They are still so difficult, but I am learning how to get through the "expected" surprises. Then, there are those ugly, uninvited and unexpected surprises.


Day before yesterday it wasn't even having to drive past the cemetery where his little body is buried. We don't visit it often because it just never helps. So, driving by is almost as painful, but we do it frequently and it is starting to lose its sting...ever so slowly. No, it was pulling over on the side of the road for a funeral procession. That was it and I was done for. All that I could think about was our procession for Mark. Remembering his uncles carrying the casket down the sidewalk and putting my only son into the back of the hearse. The hundreds of cars driving to the cemetery and remembering looking out of my window and being in absolute awe at the sight of so many people that loved him...that love us. I began to think of the burial, the sadness, the shock and the raw pain that is so unbelievably real. It never really does go away, but there are many times that all of the emotion can be kept just below the surface, just waiting for any little reminder to cause it to erupt. That's just the way it is.


This morning it was the purse that I haven't used for a couple of years now. I pulled it down yesterday to use since I was leaving my normal purse (aka "the diaper bag") with Grandma. No big surprises yesterday while I was actually using it, but as I was picking it up off of the coffee table this morning, I just happened to see a receipt at the bottom. It turns out that it was a receipt from Wal-Mart from the end of June of 2008...just a little over a month before Mark died. As if that wasn't enough already, I realized that this was the receipt for Mark's birthday present. His Little Tikes basketball hoop. A gift that I couldn't wait to buy because I knew how much fun he would have with it. Caught off guard, again. Bawling like a baby...again. How I would love to be outside with him right now playing basketball.


That's just the way it is.

More gallery pics

So many of my wonderful friends have sent me pics for the gallery and I haven't even had a chance to post them until now. Love them all! I even have two more that won't fit on this post that I will post soon...another from Karol and one from my good friend Kelly.

Each picture gives me a measure of peace as I see Mark's name. My deepest gratitude and thanks to all of you who have taken the time to send me one.





Thanks Trisha!




Thanks Karol!

Thanks Maegan!

Now...unfortunately...I have absolutely no idea how to make this into an official "gallery". Since a normal post will only let me load 5 pictures at a time, how do I put them all in one place so that I can then post a link for it on my sidebar? Anyone? I should ask sweet Abigail Kraft who gave me this awesome blog makeover but maybe someone else knows so that I don't have to bother her. Does anyone know how to make the "buttons"?

Sure am missing him today...

Second verse...same as the first

August 10, 2007...exactly one year before Mark left us.


There are so many "dreaded" days for us now. Mark's birthday, the day of the accident, the day that we took him off of life support, the day of his funeral, each and every holiday and special occasion...and well, every day in between. They cloud all of the happy memories that we had with him. And when I search through more and more pictures and see how happy we were...how happy he was...it just hurts more.


I feel like I am trying so hard. SO HARD! To survive, to thrive and to have peace in my heart and live my life in a way that is pleasing to God. It just isn't easy. It takes every ounce of energy that I have to get through the day without throwing in the towel. And, I'm not quite sure that I am any further along in letting go of my anger and bitterness than I was at this time last year. I have become a broken record that continues to play the same old sad song. Feeling sorry for myself because my son is dead and there isn't anything that I can do about it.


There are reasons that God puts us through the fire...I wish I knew why but it is safe to say that I wouldn't understand anyway. When I ponder the fact that God has a purpose in all of this...I have to try and imagine what a different person I will be in 10 or 20 years. I most likely won't even remember the person that I am now. Albeit a small encouragement in this vastness of grief. If I trust God, I have to trust that somehow, He will bring me through it for His glory. I will always suffer the loss...there is no other choice since Mark is not coming back to me. God may restore my joy fully in the years to come and He may not...He may grant me true peace, but He may not. Regardless of what He does with my life in the years that I have left...they will be for Him.


For now...two years after we watched our Marco Polo take his last breath when God did not perform the miracle that we all knew that He would...as his daddy held him and rocked him while I screamed and cried and beat the hospital bed with my fists...after I held my son's lifeless body for hours before they took him from me...and after the world turned upside down...I still miss him. Every second of every day. My heart still feels as though it will explode at any moment...it is hard to cope.


I will keep putting one foot in front of the other...breathe in...breathe out. I have no other choice. God, I trust you.

the last day

Two years ago today was the last day that I saw Mark smile...

the last day that he held my hand...

the last day that I saw his beautiful brown eyes looking up at me...

the last day that I heard him laugh...

the last day that he called me "mama"...

the last day that he played with his sisters...

the last day that my heart wasn't shattered.


Joe and I believe that Mark went to heaven on this day...at the time of his drowning, even though his body remained here with us for another week. We are thankful that we had the chance to cuddle with him and hold him for the last time and that family and friends were able to say goodbye.

The hole in my heart grows bigger every day and I, too, am drowning...in sorrow...in pain and in grief. Such small words to try and describe the biggest pain that anyone can experience in this life.

It is time for him to come home. Please Lord, send him back to me.