There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Monday, February 21, 2011

You know who YOU are

Writing the following post goes against my better judgement, but I have had enough. I have heard comments that are ignorant, read comments left by self righteous people who have no clue and now yet another comment directed toward my friend Karol and the loss of Laynee. I have had it!

I sincerely hope that "anonymous" that left a comment on "Loving Laynee's" blog is reading my blog right now. Not only you, but anyone else who has ever thought that we should have been watching our children better at the time of their tragedy. Anyone else who wants to blame us for their untimely deaths...ANYONE who feels that they are so perfect and without fault that they have the right to cast a stone at us! Who do you think you are!!!!!?????

If it hadn't occurred to you already, we do and will feel guilt for the rest of our lives for our child's death even though there was NO willful neglect on our part or anyone else who was responsible for the child. But, you wouldn't know anything about the pain of all of this, so I guess that you thought you had to remind us. Do you really think that we intentionally stopped watching our child...and all of the other people who were watching our you think that they all stopped and thought to themselves, "Hmm, I don't think that Mark needs to be watched right now." No! It is called an accident! You know, when things happen that aren't planned? Do you have any children???? Have they ever cut their finger or fallen off of a chair or skinned their knee? Why weren't you watching them? Have you been able to keep yourself from ever getting hurt? Do you feel guilty when you hurt yourself? Do you blame your parents for any accident that happened to you as a child? These all DO fall in the same category. You cannot think that what happened to our children was any different than what happens to anyone on any given day...the end result was different, but nothing else.

The truth is that even though the consequences of our tragedies are so much greater than a minor cut or a broken all happens the same way. It was an accident. The circumstances surrounding our tragedies were just normal, everyday activities. That is what is so disturbing...that you can be doing the same thing that you do every single day and then something terrible happens. In fact, in our situation, Mark was being supervised by several, very competent and loving adults who were doing a wonderful job. You know what happened? Distraction! Things that you don't expect and CANNOT plan for. Any of us parents who have lost a child due to an accident...especially one that was seemingly avoidable...would have given our own lives to save our child! All of us were doing our best! We love our child more than life and you have to right to even utter a word of blame.

Another thing...we can speculate and blame all we want to when it comes to accidental deaths of anyone. But, are we even in our control? Does God really leave it up to us...flawed human be in charge of when someone dies? I'm not sure that He does. It certainly appears to us that we are the ones who are responsible for our child's death due to our imperfectness, but, ultimately, God is the one in charge. Why don't you take it up with Him. We sure have. We feel more helpless and confused than anyone can imagine. Do you know why???? Because we ARE great parents and we WERE doing our job...despite what happened and despite what you think.

So, if you don't have children...I suggest that you don't have any because things happen...accidents happen. If you do have children...then you have a big problem with self esteem by trying to put the rest of us down to make yourself feel better. I don't think that there is a parent alive that could tell me that their child never got hurt or that something didn't "almost" happen that could have been terrible. It happens to EVERYONE! It just so happens that in most cases, the worst doesn't happen, but there is always that doesn't mean that we were doing anything different or worse than any other parent on the planet.

Go spend your time examining your own self...your own flaws and imperfections. Focus on that. Also, please read John 8:1-11. And, while I do not consider our "lack of supervision", as you would call it, as a sin...this passage applies. It would also be good for you to read since you might have the same attitude toward those who willfully abuse their children, abort their children, neglect their children or kill their own children. Despite the vileness of such actions and the pain it causes to think of children being hurt, it still doesn't give anyone the right to judge those parents either. Not unless your perfect, that is.

The bottom line is that those of you who want to blame the parents of children who die tragically in accidents do so in order to make sense of it in your mind. You don't want to think that something so horrible could happen to you or your child and so you want to think that we were doing something wrong or different than you would do as a parent. The truth our case, Laynee's case and most others...we parent just like you...we love our children just as much as you do, and could happen to you. No matter how great of a parent you are. We are all imperfect. Period.


  1. WOW! I can hardly believe that you, Karol or any other parent who has tragically lost their child in an accident would be accused so cruelly. There is no excuse for that kind of horribleness. I read both your blogs from time to time and have always felt your raw pain at the loss of your beloved children. You are absolutely correct accidents happen every day and it is impossible to live life avoiding all dangers. Most are minor and some are devastating such as yours. I am so sorry some people have chosen to add to your pain instead of comforting and supporting you.
    I am sending you, Karol and both your families much love and support from England.
    An English Grandma x-x

  2. people are so awful. I am so sorry you or any other parent has time to sit around and ridicule others. it is pathetic and they need to get a life, or at least a hobby... ((hugs))

  3. I haven't yet read your whole post, I had to respond to the very first few lines.

    Ignorance, true ignorance is what drives folks to make those comments.

    More than 20 years ago thoughts like those were part of me, until tragedy hit our family. The hardest part of the loss, the grief and dealing with the tragedy was my belief that somehow we deserved it. We didn't, nobody does, but the lie is out there and for those who believe the lie, life is living hell.
    NOBODY, none of us, deserves tragedy, broken hearts and a life time of sorrow, NOBODY. Satan's lie tells a different story, but the truth is the folks who believe it are ignorant and unwell, the TRUTH is that not one person deserves to suffer. Now, I'll finish reading your post.

  4. I am **so** glad you wrote this, Angie.

    Reminds me of a verse in the Bible:

    "Our soul is exceedingly filled with the scorning of those who are at their ease, and with the contempt of the proud." Psalm 123:4

    That scornful, arrogant people - people who are "at their ease" - have felt free to criticize the way that your precious children were taken from you... Well, it's beyond description.

    And it should be added, *cowardly* people, because just about every comment like this seems to be made anonymously.

    And what is more amazing: although I would like to think this is an isolated incident and not many would treat a grieving, suffering person with such cruelty - unfortunately, that's not true, either. These kinds of attacks have come against every parent I know who has had a child die. Thus far, there hasn't been one exception.

    And what is (for me) hardest to swallow, many of the attacks come from people calling themselves Christians.

    God sees the heart and the motivations, and He will sort everything out *perfectly* in the end. No one is anonymous before the Lord's throne.

    I don't know what could make my blood boil more; this certainly does.

    Your post was right on. If people think they can keep accidents from happening, they will have to avoid more than having children. They'll have to avoid living at all, because when you're living, you never know what is going to happen.

    Why is it news to them that we're not in control of a whole LOT of things? Or are they living on planet earth?

    Glad of your courage and thankful you spoke up,

    Much love,

    Cathy in Missouri

  5. Whoa Angie!!!!!! You Go Girl!!!!!!
    I see that "you got my back"

  6. Angie, I have felt everything that you have written. I have often (and still do) feel looked down upon. I know my very closest of friends understood our tragedy and never judged was the strangers. What really got to me were the ugly comments online (our tragedy was on the news since we lived in a huge city at the time) that multiple people left. I read every one of those hateful comments. It singed me to the core of by being. But I had to tell myself that God knows ours hearts, and He knows we are respsonsible parents. I think our tragedies are very similar. I'm so very sorry for your loss...truly and deeply.


  7. Angie...I need help with my blog! How did you get yours son nice and personalized? I have no idea how to get mine more "personal" without using a blogger template. Thanks!

  8. What is willful is the intent of someone to cause emotional pain when they stalk about the internet looking for people to judge under the title of "anonymous". And of course there's no talking sense to people that are ignorant and out to cause harm. At best its a dumb teenager that thinks they have the whole world figured out - but it's probably an adult and that's just plain sad and disgusting. And when something bad happens to that person, I'm sure they expect the whole world to understand and pity them. I have a couple of pretty un-Christian words for people like that... F#$% OFF!

    You are a wonderful, loving and perfectly responsible mother. If you could see Mark in heaven and ask him which mother he would pick if he had it to do all over again - he'd pick you again and again and again and again for the rest of eternity!

    Sending you a hug,

  9. This brought tears to my eyes. HOW could anyone be so mean to such loving parents!!!?? Our son moved to Heaven due to SIDS, we too have come across mean people in the past. They don't deserve to be acknowledged, they're not worth your time of day! They are the ones who have issues, they are just pathetic!

  10. I have never heard you go off like that! I like it!!!! I'm totally with you on this one! Working with children weekly at church I see parents NOT watch their children and guess what nothing happens. Then other parents are so over protective that they are wiping a nose before it even runs and something happens. It reminds us all that God is in total control he knows what is best and why he does things - we may never know -- then again . . . it may all come clear the moment our eyes are fixed upon him in heaven.