God, spare us from a life of fairness

The following is an excerpt from the book, "A Grace Disguised...how the soul grows through loss", written by Jerry Sitser. The author lost his wife, his 4 year old daughter and his mother all in the same tragic accident. I cherish the words of this man who has been ripped apart by grief and lived through it. His journey leads me to God's Word...points me in the direction of healing and gives me hope in the midst of this despair.

As my heart constantly wrestles with my mind for control, I focus on letting this truth make it's way deep inside my soul.



"I would prefer to take my chances living in a universe in which I get what I do not deserve-again, either way. That means that I will suffer loss, as I already have, but it also means I will receive mercy. Life will end up being far worse than it would have otherwise been; it will also end up being far better. I will have to endure the bad I do not deserve; I will also get the good I do not deserve. I dread experiencing undeserved pain, but it is worth it to me if I can also experience undeserved grace." (pg. 128)



"So, God spare us from a life of fairness! To live in a world with grace is better by far than to live in a world of absolute fairness. A fair world may make life nice for us, but only as nice as we are. We may get what we deserve, but I wonder how much that is and whether or not we would really be satisfied. A world with grace will give us more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering." (pg. 130)

Remind me

I'm having a hard time this morning not being able to kiss that beautiful face. My ears ache to hear his sweet voice. My heart breaks each day when I have to say goodbye all over again. Somehow I think that one morning I will wake up and Mark will be in the next room...waiting to run and give me a hug. I just can't believe that this is my life.

Please believe me when I say that I am trying...I am trying to be thankful for all that God has given me. I am thankful for the time that I had with Mark and I love his sisters every bit as much. There is nothing good that I have done to deserve the blessings that God has poured out on my family...and the blessings are so many. He gives and He takes away and in all things He is worthy to be praised.

I remind myself of these truths every day, because honestly...my heart keeps forgetting.

2 years and 1 month

He's been gone as long as we had him with us here...




it's hard to take in...




actually...still...impossible.

don't even know what to call this one

Cute name pic sent by my friend Kelly...









and Karol...
(wish that the sand on Texas beaches was that pretty)

Feeling a little overwhelmed these days...emotionally anyway. My thoughts dwell on the accident and on how unfair it all seems. That such a beloved child could be taken away from parents who have always done everything in their power to keep him safe...to love him...to cherish him. It is simplistic rationale and I know that it isn't even rational. It doesn't seem to make it any easier. I don't even know why I have such a hard time trusting God and the fact that He has a plan. Knowing the truth that He alone allowed Mark to leave this earth...not 10 adults who were distracted for a couple of minutes.

Maybe I want to punish myself? Feel that it is all my fault because someone has to pay for this. This wasn't hurt feelings or losing a job or breaking a leg...this was my son's LIFE here on this earth...there is no bringing him back.

Obviously, I still have a long way to go. One day at a time. Maybe by the time I get to the point that I have forgiven myself...I will be holding him again.

Here is a picture that was taken a few weeks before he died. I had just returned from a mission trip to Nicaragua and brought him the cutest little baseball shirt. He was pretty tired here...we were at a bowling alley for a Sunday School party. Macy is sleeping on my shoulder and he was content to lay there on my lap.

Oh Mark, I miss you.