There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

such a blessing

I want to thank everyone who has left such loving comments on the blog, my email and on facebook. I didn't really know what to expect from this new experience, but I am thankful to have such wonderful friends and family and I am happy to meet new people who are so caring. You are all such a blessing to me .

I was so unaware of this entire "blogging" world. I knew that it existed, but I just hadn't looked into it much. And then Mark died...and well, I started to search. Search for anything and anyone that could identify with what I was going through. I have found so many people sharing all of the pain and heartache that they are experiencing in their lives and it saddens me at the same time that it comforts me to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. As far as starting my own blog...I never thought that I would, but now that I have, I do hope that it helps in some of the healing.

I'll apologize now if my thoughts ever seem scattered in any of my posts...sometimes there is just so much in my mind, I may not make it all flow together smoothly.

As I get better at all of this and figure out how to put more things on my page, I will post links to some of the wonderful blogs that have been so helpful to me in the past couple of months. Women who have such strong faith in God and His goodness and families who have suffered much and come through it all with joy after such sorrow. I am encouraged by all of these inspiring stories because, even though I cannot see the end of this grief...apparently, it is there, somewhere. Surely, it will take a long time to get through this, not over it...that will never happen. Still, to think that there might be a day when I don't hurt every moment is something to look forward to.

But, enough about on to other things.

I will share with you that this morning started out like all other mornings, except that my husband took off today, which makes us all very happy! Anyway, the girls woke up very pleasant and happy and we all ate breakfast and got ready for the day. I needed to run a couple of errands in town and so I left my husband and the girls at home and started off. The first thing that usually saddens me on an "outing" are all of the songs that are on our K-Love Christian radio station. I mean, every other song makes me cry...really. Most of the time, I just try to keep it together because the girls don't like seeing me upset, but when I am by myself, well, I can't help it. Fortunately, today they didn't play any of the songs that really get to me, but no matter what song it means something completely different than it did nine months ago. I can picture my own situation in each one.

Since I had to drive to a different town, I passed the cemetery where Mark's body is buried. Today, I blew him a kiss and tried to remember that he is in Heaven and not there. But, I loved every part of his sweet little self. That is what I cuddled, that is what I kissed and hugged, that is what I rocked to sleep at night and dressed in the most adorable clothes. It is hard to separate his little soul and his little body in my mind. They are supposed to go together. So, I haven't yet resolved that issue in my mind. I do usually stop, but I decided not to today. I don't find that it helps in any way. Our girls like to go, but for me and my husband, it is just too hard. It is so unnatural and wrong to see his precious name on the grave marker. It brings back all of the visions of him in the casket and the memorial service. Images that are hard enough to get out of my head on a normal day, but even harder when we are there.

So, I went on through my first errand, and then I needed to stop at the wonderful Hobby Lobby. What a great store. I try not to go in too often since I am always tempted to buy something, but I needed a couple of things for a graduation gift. Anyway, as it so happened, there was a precious toddler boy crying and crying as his mother carried him through the store. I literally froze. It happens almost every time I see a toddler boy or hear one. My mind flooded with memories of Mark and how he sounded when he cried and talked...and it hurt. I mean, it HURT. My body physically hurt and ached to have Mark back with me.

It is also quite amazing that I can "see" Mark in almost any little boy that I look at. For each child being so unique and special, they all look so much the same too...precious. Most of the time, I have to just look away so that I can finish whatever task it is that I am out to do in the first place. Otherwise, my grief is overwhelming.

I made it home without any further incident. As I pulled up to the house and saw my husband and daughters playing in the backyard, I reminded myself to be thankful for all that God has given me. It has taken some time to even consider being thankful for anything and most of the time, I really don't feel thankful about anything...I don't take for granted what wonderful blessings I still have on this earth, but they are grossly overshadowed right now by sorrow. Grief can make all of the usually special things in life seem so insignificant and it really takes work to see the value in life. I know that if you have experienced this kind of pain, you know what I am talking about. For those of you who haven't...well...I'm glad.

Speaking of that, I wonder how many of us really HAVE experienced such pain. I know that I hadn't until now. My life has certainly had some ups and downs that are of great significance, but nothing like this. I didn't know what it was like to hurt this much. Even if I tried as hard as I could, nothing that I could ever imagine even came close to what it is really like. But, now I know. I have an entirely new perspective on life and an entirely new way at looking at people. People that are hateful...people that commit awful crimes...people that just do things that cause other people pain. I can see how easily someone can become that kind of person. Believe me, I am not in any way excusing people who do awful things and I am definately not saying that I would ever commit a crime or ever try and cause anyone harm. What I am saying is that those people have probably lived through some awful pain. That is when life becomes blurred and you have to choose to take the path of healing or take the path of destruction. Something has to be done with all of the emotions inside and it is not hard to decide to transfer that hurt on someone else. Sometimes, you just can't help it. There were days right after Mark died that my mind drifted to places that scared me. Just thinking thoughts that weren't rational. I guess that it still happens sometimes, but not to the degree that some people take it. My prayer is that I am not hurting others in my despair. My prayer is for complete healing. I just wish it was instant.

Wow, I hope that came across like I meant for it to.

The picture below was taken about two months before Mark's accident. It was always so difficult to get all four of the kids looking at the camera at the same time...much less smiling at the same time. So, this picture is special to me...and the look on Mark's face is just too sweet for words. Which makes it even harder for me to look reminds me that I don't have him anymore. In fact, I am far from being comforted by all of the hundreds of pictures that we have of him, unfortunately. I can't stand it that I can't kiss that sweet face of his anymore. I hope that one day I will be able too look at all of the pictures and smile as I remember all of the memories that we made with him. For now, I can't.

I haven't mentioned yet how terribly Mark's big sisters miss him. Their world has been shattered too and I don't know how to pick up the pieces. They are so heartbroken and they just don't understand why something so terrible would happen to their baby brother. I am trying to be "well" so that they will know that we will all be okay. There are times that I'm not so sure. Truly, in my heart, I know that God will never leave us and that all things work for the good of those who love Him. We do love HIM. So, even when I don't feel like we are going to make it through, I hope that I can remember that I KNOW that we will.

Every waking moment of the day...I miss Mark.


  1. Angie,
    Did you get my email about the blog makeover? Abigail would love to do a header and decorate your blog for you as a gift. Would you like that? If so, just let us know.

  2. My dear Angie ~
    I am so glad you have decided to write. Sometimes writing gives you a freedom to express that is easier than the spoken word. I feel so much for you and your family and you are all constantly in my prayers. You are right when you say unless someone has suffered a loss of a precious child like yours no-one can understand the bottomless pain you are suffering.
    If you are open to it, I have a friend who also suffered the loss of her son, I won't go into details, it is her life to share; but I know she would welcome the chance to talk with someone who is also walking this path and waiting for the day to hold her boy in her arms.
    Love, Lisa

  3. you said everything just right...good job. Love you!!

  4. You have a very beautiful family!

    I am SO TERRIBLY SORRY for your loss!!! I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are going through.

    Blogging is GREAT therapy......Seriously.....It's like a diary that everyone can read....and one in which people can comment on and offer you encouragement and lift your spirts, to cry with you, to laugh with you and to be a friend and "listen" to just listen.....

    Take care


  5. You probably have no idea how many people are looking at your blog that you don't even know. I heard of it through my good friend, Georgeann Clymire. Your son was born the day before my son was born... same year. I've been married 11 years to my husband too. I want you to know that you are in my prayers and you probably will be for the rest of my life. God bless you.